Eve Carson 5k Race Report

Executive Summary:
2nd overall in 15:17. It was 45 and raining, so I spent the last two miles of the race debating if this was the moment I should let go of the door and tell Rose I love her.

I am sorry Jack, letting your type up here would diminish property values.

Pre-Race:
I lost many electrolytes this week from pitiful sobbing. The sobbing started whenever I realized that every lost Democratic Congressional seat was a vote for climate change legislation. Barack Obama sobbed a bit too, but wherever his tears hit the ground, a fully formed apple tree appeared.

Ugh, women. AMIRITE??

But running has been swell! So I signed up for the Eve Carson Memorial 5k, a race with a heart-wrenching history that attracts a couple thousand runners. Leaving the apartment, the mercury read 41, and there was steady rain. "Awesome!" I thought in my race-day rose-colored goggles, "it is sweating FOR ME!" Other optimistic takes on weather:

Snow: Today, I'm dandruff free. It's clinical strength precipitation!

Extreme Heat: A great philosopher once said that when conditions are like this in herrre, we should promptly remove our wardrobes.

Frogs and/or blood: It shows how much He cares!

Warming-up was not really happening, but I was content because I took my pre-race pee against the side of the Dean Dome. All I have to do now is wait for the inflatable, ergonomically-designed Coach K doll to arrive from Ebay, and I will officially be a Duke student! My collar just popped in anticipation.

Tucker Whiskerman III just completed his application! HE LOVES LACROSSE.

Lined up, saw good friend/awesome runner Alex Varner, and wished him luck while secretly hoping he was prone to debilitating cold-weather cramps. Waited in the rain, lost most evidence of having a Y chromosome, AND THEY'RE OFF!

Race:
The course was nicely rolling, with a long downhill to start. At that point, running fast provided freedom from the fear that my fingers would freeze, and from the fear that I would experience brain damage causing me to use alliteration unwittingly. I opened up the race immediately, and gained 20 yards on the pack of ice-people. At the second turn, I water-jumped what I imagine was the Caspian Sea while wishing that my amazing geography skills translated to knowing where the hell I was on the course. Luckily, Alex handsomed up alongside me just before the mile mark, and led me through the more complex neighborhoods.

Our race photographer captured the course well.

After another descent, the road kicked up sharply for a half-mile. My cardiovascular system felt wonderful, but my legs labored at Alex's fast pace. Luckily, we crested the hill only 5 yards apart and I fell in control back to his hip. At this point, I was hoping to just stay with him until 600 meters to go, because I knew my kick would be stronger. But he was just better. A yard became two, which became ten and finally twenty, until by the crest of a hill at mile 2.5, he had a 10 second lead. Meanwhile, I started hallucinating from what I can only assume was advanced hypothermia. "Is that philosophy building made of wood?? IT WOULD MAKE EXCELLENT KINDLING." Of course, I should have gone through with the plan because it would have made me warm, and would have been the basis of my award-winning dissertation, "Not to Be".

Bullshitting ain't easy.

Back to reality, I succumbed to Alex's superior strength and held a 10-15 second gap to the finish. It was a really fun race for an amazing cause, and the weather allowed me to wear my Mickey Mouse on a surfboard t-shirt. In addition to being what my dad wore to his wedding in 1977 (true story), I feel as if Mickey in swim trunks provided just the cognitive dissonance boost I needed. SUCK ON THAT, other racers.

Thanks for reading guys. Hope things are great!